t’s back to school time kiddies. You know what that means, long lines at Miller’s Outpost, great deals on loose leaf notebooks and time for students young and old to hit the books. Those of you too old to have been humming "La Vida Loca" all summer are invited to join me at SMUT U. where I have just been hired on as a full time Professor in Pornology. There should be some seats at the back.
Welcome class, my name is Professor Pipe and this is Porn 101, the core class for those of you hoping to graduate with a degree in Pornology from SMUT U. There is a lot of ground to cover, so I’ll move quickly.
I don’t have a lot of rules, but I am serious about the ones I do have. Follow them and you’ll do well. Break them and you’re finished. Before I get to the rules, I need all the women to move into the front few rows.
Porno 101 Rule #1- Dress code. This is very important. All the lovely ladies will be invited to wear the shortest skirts possible, which is, of course, the reason you’re sitting in the front row. For those of you unsure how to dress, refer to your class materials list. The Britney Spears video should be your first option, but for those of you who feel you don’t look good in plaid, anything similar to Christina Applegate’s wardrobe during years 3-6 of Married with Children will do fine. And Mr. Jeremy, if you even attempt to sit in the front row this semester, I will have you shipped out to Back Shaving 101 again, are we clear?
There are 9 more rules, but let’s begin the lecture. There is much to teach you and so little time. Any questions? Yes, Ms. Stylle, you may remove your panties.
I had the pleasure of spending the afternoon at the Anabolic offices recently. I interviewed director Mike John of 
Panochitas fame. The interview went quite well and covered a number of different topics, including his philosophy on making good sex vids, the difficulties of shoot on foreign soil and what it feels like to get to cast all those young hotties. Look for that interview next month. He also let me get a sneak peek at his new series ‘Down the Hatch’ which was being edited. I have to tell you about this little slutlet I saw. Anistasia Blue is her name and she’s a cute nineteen year old blonde. (Sort of a cross between Katie Gold and a young Kaitlyn Ashley.) In her scene, Anastasia is paired with Vince Voyeur and Lexington Steele. She tires so hard to swallow Lex’s massive tool that she gags herself and makes her eyeballs nearly pop out of her pretty face. You have to love that sort of enthusiasm. I can’t wait to see the whole scene. Oh, and ladies, Vince has agreed to do an interview very soon, so be on the look out for that one.
Porn 101 Rule #2. No sleeping in class. If you sleep in my class, I will employ the Shane technique and photograph you in all sorts of embarssing poses. (For those of you who missed the Shane’s World where Billy Glide passed out and was abused mercilessly, you will find that film in your class materials list.) Trust me, you don’t want to dose off only to find photos of you tacked to the board showing you with Earl Slate’s crank in your face.
Everyone’s favorite actor turned tabloid blip, Charlie Sheen is back in the news again. Not surprisingly, this new story has a porn twist. Teri Star and Charlise LaAmore have filed a lawsuit against Sheen, alleging that his bodyguard beat them up. Teri and Charlise were attempting to gain access to Charlie’s house by scaling the wall and apparently the bodyguard didn’t take to kindly to the intruders. What was he thinking? It’s like having drunk chicks breaking into the place should be anything new. I’m sure this isn’t the last we’ll hear of this one. Just a thought, anyone else think we should petition the cowardly Govenor of California Gray Davis to get Heidi Fleiss released from prison? It might keep Chuck out of trouble.
Porn 101 Rule #3- There will be no spitting in class. In Porn 101 as in porn films, spitting is a disgusting misuse of the oral orifice. Anyone caught spitting will be assigned two weeks of detention where you will have to assist 
Mila in re-inserting her colon after a hard day’s work, without using your hands, if you know what I mean.
From the sqeaky wheel gets the grease file, we get this lovely story from net-ville. Lesbian film maker extrordiaire Jim Gunn was apparently pissed off that his newest ‘Strap-On Sally’ movie received only two stars in a recent AVN review. Fuming in an IRC chat one evening, Jim went running to Luke Ford to vent his frustrations. When the anti-AVN rant showed up on the web site, Gene Ross responded immediately, offering plenty of excuses. One would think that a magazine that wishes to have any credibility would stand by its writers and not respond to what was, in effect, a whining tirade. However, Ross quickly appologized on his web site and said the review was a typographical error. A correction will be made and everyone seems happy. I happen to like Jim Gunn a lot, but I am quite shocked that anyone would be happy with an extra star for making a fuss. Doesn’t it mean anything to actually earn a decent rating? I’m equally shocked that the writer isn’t more upset at having his review perverted that way. I guess it’s more important for them to like the ‘right’ movies, than to actually express honest opinions. If it were me, I would have walked out on the spot. In all of my many rants against particular films or film makers, I have never had someone actually expect me to change a rating just because they whined. (And nobody should be holding their breath, because it just won’t happen, no matter how much somebody cries.)
Porn 101 Rule #4- If you’re going to bring sluts to class, be sure and bring enough for everyone. Slutlet hoarding will not allowed. That goes double for you Mr. Byron. And remember, just as you once brought an apple to your teacher in gradeschool, bringing a fresh hottie for the Professor goes a long way come grade time.
Exotic Dancer magazine recently named two Wicked Girls as nominees for their "Adult Entertainer of the Year" award. The award will be given out during the Exotic Dancer Convention in Las Vegas, September 1-5. Both Stephanie Swift and Jenna Jameson made the short list of nominees. This was quite a month for 
Jenna as her long awaited return to porn, ‘Hell on Heels’ also hit the shelves recently.
Porn 101 Rule #5- No running in class. You never know what might have been spewed onto the floor. This is especially true for the day of lecture number four when guest lecturers Peter North, Alisha Klass and Max Hardcore will be on hand.
Nicky Starks may have split from Elegant Angel, but that hasn’t stopped him from making hot sex vids. Nicky’s company Darkside Entertainment has picked up where he left off with ‘Sugarwalls’ and ‘Bomb Ass Pussy.’ Volumes one and two of "Sugar" have already been released and are said to feature a number of super hot new chocolate honies. He also has a new series called "Freaks of the Industry" and another called "The Bomb" due out soon. (I am told that review copies are on the way, so be looking for reviews of Nicky’s new work soon.)
Porn 101 Rule #6- Know the basics. Your porn vocabulary and math are vital to your success here at SMUT U. How are you going to follow me if you don’t know the exact definition of terms like "slutlet", "RCA", "DPP" and or course "Taunt Tuna Taco" Of equal importance is your mastery of porn math. How can you expect to graduate if you can’t even figure out the mathmatical formulas that turn seventy-five guys into a three hundred man gang bang, or one hundred into a five hundred man gang bang? (Note, later, more advanced math classes will help you figure out just what sort of demented logic allows people to claim that 
Houston is twenty-eight years old yet appears to have been born sometime before Tricky Dick took office.)
Fans in the City of Angels woke up to a pleasant surprise last week when Serenity made an appearance on "Good Day LA." One of the co-anchors, Tony McEwing apparently got a good look at the blonde one when Fox ran a show about CES earlier this year. He made a few on air comments and has since been courted with photos and movies. The mutual admiration (or adoration) helped lead to the appearance as Serenity came on to wish Tony a happy birthday. She did a remote broadcast from the gym and sent the embarassed host some nice goodies. What a nice thing to do, and who knows, it might even set a prescedent. Memo to all of porn land, October 17th is Rog’s birthday. Learn from Serenity and read Rule #7 very carefully, they go hand in hand. (Now readers, we will see which performers and industry folk are actually reading.)
Porn 101 Rule #7- Sucking up works! The Professor is only human so it never hurts to pay him some attention. Students should feel free to compliment the Professor on his Herculean efforts to save you all from bad porno hell at every opportunity. Female students are invited to flirt with him mercilessly, bribe him with sexual favors and above all, always remind him that if nothing else, he is better looking than Mike Albo. This goes for all industry starlets, PR people and directors as well. Birthdays can be such lonley things for dedicated porn journalists.
With Jessica Darlin now officially dubbed the new Asswoman over at Extreme, rumors are flying about who might fill Roxanne Hall’s pumps at Elegant as Buttwoman. The recent defection of contract girl Elle Angel has left the slot wide open and a number of names have popped up to take her place. Former Extreme Girl Alana is said to be at the top of the very short list to be the next Buttwoman.
Porn 101 Rule #8- No running with sharp objects. You think a pencil can fuck you up, wait until you see what happens when you fall on one of those metalic vibrators. It’s not pretty. This goes for men with hard-ons as well. Just because Lexington Steele could shatter pole vault records using his rod doesn’t mean you can.
Some sad news this month as well. 1980’s performer Lisa Melendez died recently of AIDS. Lisa and her sister Melissa starred in well over 100 videos in the 1980’s. The busty brunette had been out of the biz for nearly a decade. Also reported deceased was early 90’s blonde starlet Alyicn Sterling. No cause of death to report at this time.
Porn 101 Rule #9- No throwing projectiles. We already covered the damage vibrators can do, but they aren’t the only porn object that can do some serious damage. The corners on those condom packets are sharp. Using them as throwing stars is a definate no-no, except in Jimmy Bone movies. As the saying goes, it’s all fun and games until someone loses an eye.
Doing their part to spread the word around the globe the folks at Talking Blue are close to inking a deal that will have them on the airwaves down under. G’Day sluts.
Porn 101 Rule #10- And this is for my pals in PST, The Rog Says Know your damn role.
Well class, that does it for our first lecture in porn 101. For your current reading list, please check out the latest Rog Reviews. Guys, I expect a twenty page report on the importance of non-strobed cum shots. Ladies, your homework is to set up some office time with Professor Pipe. See you next month class.
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