Here we go with the latest celebriporn release. There seem to be one or two of these every year and we all flock out to buy them. (Me included, Vivid still has me the alt-shit-list I think.) This one is a little bit different on two levels. First, the lead female is perhaps the best looking babe we have seen in a celebriporn flick since Pam Anderson. Better than Paris Hilton? I think so, but that’s just me. On the other hand, this one is perhaps the most obscure in the genre and certainly stretches the term ‘celebrity’ about as thin as can be. Before this tape hit the news, not many people had ever heard of Kim Kardashian. In fact I would venture to guess that most of us still couldn’t come up with one thing she has done to make her a celebrity. Other than being Paris Hilton’s pal and the daughter of the dude who ditched OJ’s bag at the airport, what has she done? Don’t take that as a knock on Kim. Look at her. She’s fucking gorgeous with a body built for porn. Her co-star I perhaps even less worthy of the celebrity label. Brandy’s little brother Ray J is a “hip hop star” with a couple of CDs out. Still, he isn’t exactly a household name. Hell, even Dustin Diamond was “Screech.” So there they are, this good looking celebrity couple with a sex tape that Vivid has on the market. We’re all dying to see it and we’re all dying to see what gorgeous Kim can do with the nine and a half inches they boast about on the box.

The action kicks off with a bit of POV oral as Kim gets her pretty face right down at dick level. Kim shows some good skills with her mouth, but Ray can’t decide where to hold the camera. At one point he shoots back at himself. Dude, no. Seriously, not ever. We jump to Ray eating her pussy. It’s basically a hip shot as he munches. The strange thing about the jumpy action and the bad camera work is it really looks as if Ray and Kim were shooting this to be seen by someone. It isn’t as if they weren’t trying. He just can’t hold a camera and fuck at the same time to save his life.

After some footage of the two out in public we go back for some fun in bed. This time Kim gives us her POV as Ray fucks her. It’s very dark and hard to watch. Even when Ray takes the camera back, he can’t seem to make the thing stay in focus. Here is a tip. If you’re going to bother filming your sex, turn a freaking light on. What really makes me curious is the audio. Kim’s moans are very clear and don’t seem to match the action. She I talking up a blue streak except when the camera moves to her face when she goes oddly silent. Something seems off.

The odd audio continues later, but not until we get to see Kim’s toes on the plane. This kind of stuff is just a little weird, but would be excellent if the sexual energy and footage were solid. Instead we get some more footage with audio that is nowhere close to live. They don’t even try this time around. It’s dirty talk that doesn’t fit the poorly framed action. There are some decent shots of Kim mixed in here. She really does have a porn star body and a great face. Some of the best footage of the DVD comes when Kim is running around the beach in a bikini. Wow, what a body. They do finally get around to a cumshot. Ray straddles her chest while Kim jerks him off in her mouth. She pulls him out and does a semi-dodge once the jizz starts flowing.

This is an odd mix. It’s a must see for celebriporn fans and people who just want to see Kim get down and dirty. Parts of it are hand held and others are shot with a camera sitting next to the bed. None of the sex is particularly well shot, but that is par for the course. (How much of the Pam and Tommy Lee stuff was really well captured?) At times they talk to the camera as if they are prepared to have people watch it and at other times it plays like a choppy collection of home movies. They loop a lot of the footage, really do crazy things with the audio and basically stretch a few minutes into a passable forty minute presentation. Both he and Kim chomp on gum and come off even worse than Paris. When she isn’t rolling around trying to be cute, Kim does a nice job with her mouth. More footage of her sucking dick would be nice. Oh and the 9.5 they bragged about on the box. Only in porno land my friend. Ray isn’t a small guy, but putting that at near ten is almost as big a stretch as calling these two “celebrities.” Kim could certainly be a porn superstar. She has the body and the face to take her as far as she wants to go. Unlike her friend Paris, she actually seems like she enjoys sex a little bit. I just wish we got to see more of her in this movie. That brings me to the next issue with this project. Ray comes off as more than a little bit in love with himself. He mugs for the camera, shoots himself as much as Kim and that just isn’t going to work. Normally that wouldn’t be a problem. If he wants to tape himself just to say “look how freaking hot this chick is” then who are we to complain? The scary part is the he keeps telling us to remember that it was “directed by Ray J” as if that is something he should be proud of. Now that Vivid has given him a contract to direct, we will see lots more from him. I hope he’s able to score some more hot celebrity babes because if he has to make it on camera skills alone, his hiring could make the whole Vivid-alt debacle look like a brilliant idea.

Does it seem like I don’t like the movie? I’d still call it a must-own because it is an event. On potential alone it should have been brilliant though. Kim is hot, but they do so much stretching of the little bit of footage that one almost wonders if this should have remained an internet-only thing. On the other hand, it opens us up for a second Kim Kardashian tape. She could be a superstar to be sure. This tape just isn’t going to do it. So pick up your copy, watch it and enjoy it for what it is. Just do yourself a favor and also pick up a copy of Anabolic Asians 4 to jerk off to when you’re done.